Before we get going with today’s piece I thought I’d just drop you a line to say my new book I Am With You is out 1 month today! (i.e. on 19th May.)
If you’d like to get an advance sneak peak then you can download a sample of I Am With You HERE (PDF) - no email address required.
So now, on with today’s article…
You can listen to me reading this piece here:
(The self-compassion practice begins at 12mins 24secs in)
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In today’s Simple Soulful Words I’m sharing some thoughts on why I believe different forms of grief are at the heart of our pain and longing and why it’s valuable to recognise that. I’m also sharing a guided self-compassion practice to help you acknowledge your feelings and be kind to yourself.
It’s a bit longer than usual, but the topic needs a bit of space to explore…
The more and more I feel into my own hurt and heartache the more I realise that what lies beneath it all is grief.
The more and more I reflect on my emotional struggles and difficult times the more I can sense how, at their core, is a loss of some kind and the sorrow and heartache that comes with loss.
What do you think of when I talk of grief?
Perhaps you think of bereavement – the loss of a loved one, friend, or a beloved pet and the agonising heartbreak that comes with this. Or maybe the death of someone who meant a lot to you but perhaps you didn’t personally know, such as a public figure you loved and respected. And alongside this you may also mourn the loss of the hopes you had for the person and what they meant to you in your life.
This kind of loss can arrive like a lightning strike and bring grief flooding into our lives: a tempest of emotion that can be overwhelming. And it may linger like the bleakest grey wintry sky, sitting heavily in our hearts.
Culturally, this is what we tend to think of when we speak of grief. But there are other losses we grieve during our lives, whether we realise it or not. And even if we don’t use the word ‘grief’, its energy weighs heavily on our hearts; a burden of sadness we carry that we long to be able to set down.
The many faces of grief
There are personal losses through partings and estrangements from friends, family, and romantic partners.
There is the loss of money or financial stability and the subsequent lack of security.
Changes in circumstances can lead to a loss of identity, free time or a sense of freedom or agency, even if they are changes you’d sought out, such as parenthood or a promotion at work. Or loss of identity can arrive through circumstances beyond your control such as being made redundant from work.
We each experience disappointments or betrayals by people we once trusted. Other times we lose faith in others such as community members, teachers or leaders. We might even lose faith in ourselves.
Or you might arrive at a point in your life where you’ve achieved what you’d set out to, perhaps career-wise, but the realisation dawns that the life you’ve created no longer fits: this is no longer who you are anymore.
And, as time goes on, there may be the aching realisation of opportunities lost and the fading of hopes, dreams and expectations.
Then there is mourning the fading of youth; loss of health; changes to mental faculties.
And while each loss is unique to us in what happens and how it lands, the experience of loss is universal – it is part of our common humanity.
There’s an old and touching story from the Buddhist tradition that teaches us this universal truth:
In the time of the Buddha, there lived a woman called Kisa Gotami. After losing her precious only child, Kisa Gotami became desperate and asked if anyone could help her. Her sorrow was so great that many thought she had lost her mind.
An old man told her to see the Buddha who, in turn, told her that he could bring the child back to life if she could find white mustard seeds from a family where no one had died.
She desperately went from house to house, but to her disappointment, she could not find a house that had not suffered the death of a family member.
Finally, the realisation struck her that there is no house free from mortality and, still sad but knowing that her sorrow was shared, she found a sense of peace with her loss.
In addition to personal grief, we may experience feelings of loss and sorrow when we look at what is happening in the world. For example, when we see negative changes in our neighbourhood or severing of community links; the closing of much-needed services and dismantling of support systems; or the loss of faith in leaders who do not live up to the standards in public life we expect and need.
We watch the news and see instances of injustice and violence and may feel the pain of it as if it were our own.
And there is the grief that arises from the impact of racism, misogyny, ableism, cis-heteronormativity, and the manifold ways humans have been and still are cruel, hateful and violent to those we individually or culturally other.
There is the grief of these times of loss we are living in: whether through the COVID-19 pandemic or the loss that cuts through bonds with family and friends when tightly held opinions differ and we cannot find consensus, as well as the sorrow caused by increasing polarisation and the accompanying loss of nuance, patience and compassion in this post-truth age.
And then there is the wider loss of environmental diversity: we may experience ecological grief – anguish and sorrow (and perhaps outrage too) – for the destruction of habitats and the delicate ecosystems that support life on Earth.
Finally, if this resonates with your beliefs and experience, there may be a grief about being here on Earth in human form – a kind of exile from the Oneness of spirit.
These are just some of the many losses and griefs of which we may be consciously aware or that may be unconsciously troubling our hearts.
Exiling our feelings
And so, while our own inner emotional landscape may be complex and varied, or possibly numb and barren, perhaps each of us in our own way is, when we get to the heart of it, grieving something that has been lost, or that never was but we wish it might have been.
It is a lot. It can feel almost too much to bear. Relentless.
For in our culture, we are not taught how to grieve; we are not taught how to be with our feelings wisely and skilfully.
Of all the losses I listed above – all of which generate very real and tangible sorrow and heartache – how many of them are culturally recognised?
Not many.
And when these losses are not seen and affirmed by our culture, we may reject our own feelings and push away the energy which is calling to be expressed. Especially when in the past (or even present) we’ve been told we’re too sensitive.
Our hearts close off and become armoured. We withdraw from pain and in doing so we also withdraw from joy as our range of available feelings shrinks to a tiny spectrum of numbness.
Yet still the grief will find us. It is part of the air we are breathing. It is human to feel sorrow. There is much to mourn in our own individual life and in these times we are living in. It is not negative to say this; it is simply to name the truth of human experience.
How to live with an open heart
Dear reader, like me you yearn to live with an open heart. But how to do this without it being bruised and battered, again and again?
I believe we need to develop courage to engage with this world with an open heart. But we also need the wisdom to discern when it is best to withdraw for a while and to lick our wounds and rest … so we might build up the courage and strength to re-engage with the world once again.
The foundation of living with an open heart is to courageously speak the truth of how we are feeling.
This begins with mustering the courage to engage with our own heart and mind and the shadowy places within our psyche where our angry, jealous and grieving parts have been pushed away from our conscious recognition.
To do this, we must first learn to be aware of how we are feeling: an essential life skill that seems a radically simple idea but is one that you may find curiously challenging. Especially as when we’re in overwhelm we can shut down our feeling capacity to try and function in the world.
This can feel vulnerable. But it is only when you are aware of how you are feeling that the necessary alchemy can take place that allows the emotional pain to dissipate.
After all, the word ‘emotion’ comes from the Latin e-movere, which means ‘to move out’, so our emotions can be reframed as ‘energy in motion’: it is energy that needs to move through you.
Ignored emotions get trapped and cause further pain; felt emotions will, eventually, shift and change. Their pain will lessen.
And once you recognise your stress, pain, weariness or grief you may well find that a natural compassion towards yourself arises: a kind-hearted recognition that, yes, things feel hard for you right now; yes, you are suffering; yes, you want to help yourself feel better; and yes, you are going to help yourself feel better.
How would it feel to offer yourself the heartfelt tender wish that this suffering will ease; that you will find a greater peace?
The balm of self-compassion
May I offer you a resource to aid you on your journey?
Touching the tender places of emotional pain and turmoil may trigger frustration, sadness, grief or even anger.
So have this short potent technique at the ready to shift your energy and be kind to yourself.
TAKE A SELF-COMPASSION BREAK
1. Acknowledge the painful feeling
Say something like: ‘this is difficult’ or ‘this feels challenging to acknowledge’ or ‘this hurts’.
Connect to and acknowledge the feeling – perhaps place a hand over your heart as you mindfully acknowledge it.
2. Connect to a sense of common humanity
Remind yourself that you are not the only person feeling like this. Acknowledging our common humanity can be immensely comforting.
Say to yourself something like: ‘I’m not alone in this’ or ‘other people feel this way too’.
With your hands over your heart, feel their warmth and the sensation of kind gentle touch (or whatever soothing touch you might prefer such as placing a hand on your cheek or on your shoulder).
3. Be kind to yourself
Ask yourself, ‘What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?’.
For example: ‘I’m doing the best I can’ or ‘may I forgive myself’ or ‘may I learn to accept myself as I am’.
And now notice how it feels to be kind to yourself.
How does it feel to be warm and tender towards yourself? What sensations are present in your body? Perhaps there’s a softening of your eyes, maybe your jaw releases … your shoulders relax. Perhaps there’s a spaciousness in your chest… Maybe a warm feeling spreads internally through your abdomen… Maybe your whole body feels more settled … supported.
Notice how offering yourself kindness and compassion feels … and take a few more breaths letting that feeling sink into you as you sink into it... Like a soothing balm or a golden mist settling into your heart … into your bones … into the lonely and hurting places inside you.
Breathe and receive this feeling of kindness into every cell of your being.
(Adapted from The Self-Compassion Break by Dr Kristin Neff.)
Does this resonate with you? How did you find the self-compassion practice? Do share your experience by leaving a comment below if you feel called to…
Until next time, wishing you the healing blessings of tender & fierce self-compassion,
Stella x
This piece is adapted from my book I Am With You which is out on Friday 19th May 2023 in print and for eReaders, worldwide.
Books for your soul
I Am With You: Words of comfort and strength for difficult times is a collection of poems and reflections to help you through difficult times when you’re struggling and feeling down. (Out May 19th 2023.)
Cycles of Belonging: Honouring ourselves through the sacred cycles of life is a guide to unlocking the powers of cyclic living to lead a more fulfilling, meaningful, and wholehearted life.
Whispers from Mother Earth is a collection of poems and prayers that are a potent tool for healing and transformation.
Peace Lies Within: 108 ways to tame your mind and connect to inner peace offers you practical ways to tame a busy, fretful mind so you can feel less stressed and more resilient, centred and calm.